No Brakes

Crazy mouth. Just spilled imperfection without any grace.. Ooops.. Sorry. Sometimes (or maybe most of the time) I do things like that. I didn’t know that it would hurt. I just know that it’s the truth for that matter of time.

But I do need to learn to put some brakes on my tongue. Not because I’m used to being told of my imperfection should I assume that other people are also.. Yep, I’m used to being told of my wrongs, and I do accept it no matter how it’s been said (soft, loud, angry or nice voice, etc.) I’m used to it. I do agree to it and although I’m not quite good at it, I do try to improve myself.

It hurts sometimes that people I love wouldn’t accept all of me and would try to change me, I won’t blame them, and coz in their point of view it should be done. If it is how they express their love then so be it and let it be. =)

Though, I still believe that love is best expressed when you love someone no matter what appearance, attitude, habit or character he or she has. That is, acceptance. And if it is His will for our love ones to change, it should be asked politely in prayer. Lots and lots of it. Since it is by grace that we are change from glory to glory and it applies to everyone, both you and me. Peace out! (--,)”)

New Location

Within eleven months of staying in UAE, this is the 3^rd house where I’d be staying. In my first two months I lived in Sharjah. Then I moved to Elektra, Abu Dhabi, I stayed there for almost nine months. Then due to some transportation issues, I need to move to Khalidiya, Abu Dhabi. It’s really weird because I didn’t actually want to leave any of those places where I stayed, there were just some uncontrolled events that affected it. Like in the first work I had in Dubai (where our accommodation is in Sharjah), I didn’t really wanted to resign because the people are nice there but since they cannot provide me working visa I grabbed the opportunity here in Abu Dhabi. Now, I’m in Abu Dhabi. Last month I got a job offer in Dubai but I didn’t accept it mainly because I’m not ready to move yet (though all the circumstances I’m facing that time tells me to do so) and because I got a feeling that my current employer won’t let me get off that easy (leaving me to the possibility of losing my current and suppose to be new job). So, here I am, still in Abu Dhabi, just moved a bit far from the city. I haven’t finished unpacking my things and setting my stuff there but hopefully I will by this week.

Got some adjusting to do, like I’m sharing a room with more peepz, they’re not used on locking the doors (I don’t even have the key), and they use tap water in the water dispenser. Right now, I like the room because it’s clean though not totally organized. The A/C is nice also, it’s quite cold inside. I slept well because my roommates weren’t there yet. And off course, there is wired internet and the connection are quite fast, that’s high points. =D

Yappy

I talk too much. I talk too loud. And with anger spoken comes tears from my eyes. It’s actually my body refusing to be angry. But what to do? Right now I’m like this, but I still believe that tomorrow I could be change. Because change is permanent. And I know the Author of me knows best and He knows what His plans for me are. I know I still have an attitude and it’s been really hard to shake off but hope is still there and nothing is impossible to Him.

Thankfully I’ve seen changes in me. Mainly is about caring. Before to run away from being irritated I just don’t care about what’s happening around me. Yup, I know it’s not right not to care, but that seems to me as a form of self defense (so that I won’t be bothered). But now, I do care about many things I didn’t care before. Like how people see me, I care now, not because of me but of Him who’s Name He let me carry with me. =)

I see more than I see before. I see talking too much when angry or bothered is not advisable. And it’s getting boring. I also observed that I’m not used to people caring about me. It’s a foreign feeling and I seem to reject it. I’m not used to people telling me what to do because I’ve done most of the things I need to do, alone. I know it’s not good to be alone, but most of the time in the past years of my life I’m more on the helper than the helped one. So, having people give “care” suggestions or help really does seem foreign to me. Maybe this is why I yap too much. Err.. ;b

Saturday Work

Don’t do much during Saturdays. Usually I got Saturday work as a reflection and planning time.

Reflection of what I am now, what I’ve accomplished and what improvement do I need to grow.

Planning more on the financial aspect. I’ve got couple of reason why I went here, first is to give myself more reflection time and focus on getting close to Him, second is to explore, and third is to earn money to help my parents.

At first, I already knew that I won’t be getting much pay when I went here, so earning more isn’t really a high possibility. So, mainly I went here for the opportunity to explore the world outside the Philippines. And knowing I’ll be away, it means me more likely being all by my self, thus, focus on getting close to Him. In my first month I’ve got the chance to explore, both professionally and leisurely. It didn’t feel much that I’m far from the country (but now honestly, it really gives me the creeps of being far from the country and wanting to go home..).

He never fails to show His love, thus, when I first went to a service worship I felt His presence and love that even in this far away place He is still with me. On the second month my sister went on vacation, thus, I haven’t been able to go to Church. But God knows everything and he guided me into getting in touch again with a long friend of mine whom I haven’t talk for a while. And there is where it all begun, me being able to go to Church regularly, attend Bible Study, be a member of FCC and attend Evangelism Training Class. Here, I’ve been able to share the gospel to people I don’t really know, knowing that God has a plan for their lives. Yes, there have been challenges inside of me but God never fails to give knowledge, wisdom and comfort. Now, without a doubt I am a sinner but because of God’s love He sent His one and only begotten Son Jesus Christ to die for my sins and rose again to be my Saviour and Lord, on the right hand of God, our Supreme High Priest and King. Of no other reason am I saved, not of any good work I have done coz I also done wrong, not in the times where I helped anyone in need coz I also unable to give help and refused, not of me going to Church coz there were some Sundays I’ve not been able to come, not of any other reason but by the Blood of Jesus Christ. By God’s grace I am save. Because He loved me and saved me and called me. I am lost but He found me. I am a slave of sin but He has given me freedom. I am before in the darkness but He called me to His marvelous light. Struggles will come but only one truth remains, God will never leave me nor forsake me. He is the author and finisher of my faith. I am nothing without Him. And in His grace and mercy I can live only in Him.

Flash News

He called me just now. I mean what I said, as I did the first time I said it, again and again before.. The reason that I will give up is when he gives up. Just like he made me feel yesterday, that’s the only reason I’ll give up, when he did. So, now I’m glad to hear he loves me. Because I also told him that the only reason I will let him go is when he doesn’t love me anymore.. And he also said he could still hold on. I just hope he does. Coz I don’t want to go back to just being me. And most specially because my love is for him.

Time Goes On

The calendar just changed again. Getting complains about how our relationship doesn’t improve because of me just flashed into my head. It must have really ended, whatever we had. Ah.. I really don’t know.

I feel cold and my head hurts like it’s filled with water. This moment calls for a nice quiet time in the roof, gazing the shimmering stars. A nice afternoon sitting by the beach, looking beyond the sea and seeing the clouds move. Or maybe a slow walk through the plaza and market place seeing how people get on to their life. Life does goes on. Too bad, can’t do any of that here. Not much stars. Artificial beach and humid temperature. And walking around observing people is just weird, since most of them are guys I might be mistaken for something I’m not. So, here I am, listening to songs I don’t understand and writing paragraph who knows if someone would understand.

I always get complains. When I’m in high school one of my classmates told me I have a fake smile. That’s harsh but really funny. She just said to me that I’m a fake though I didn’t feel or intend to be that way. When I started working, my boss told me I’m not sensitive. That’s harsh but that might be the truth. Thankfully while other people gave complains about me at work I got a nice support from our group. It’s a nice feeling having their support, coz really, I just need to finish the work maybe that’s why others see me as insensitive. I think I grown a lot. Experienced a lot and still do.

Freaked

Yup. No other word for what I feel right now but this.

Life wouldn’t be perfect by having perfect moments. Since no one is perfect, no one could even define perfectness in life.

Today is really a freaked day. I still have problems about the accommodation. And now, I think we broke up. Or maybe I broke up with him. Either way, it’s just “tears every moment I think about it” moment for me.

I’m still confused. Plain blank moment from now on.

I don’t like pride and I’m not a big fan of the norms. Suffering and sadness won’t matter either, just the truth. Plain unspoiled truth. That’s what matters. Truth means being myself, and being accepted as is. But truth also means what he wants me to be, “for my own good”. But not being what he want me to be, does it means he don’t love me? I don’t know.. I really can’t answer a question not directed to me.

It really hurts. But what can I do? It’s still my fault, I could just change as he want me to be.. This probably is one of the reasons why I can’t let myself be me. I draw people away. But I guess they just want me to be a smiley happy person even if I don’t feel I have to be that way. In reality, I don’t need to laugh or smile to know that I’m happy. I’m happy when my heart feels happy. I do laugh and smile too much, but I wouldn’t suggest that to define me.

So, what now? He said “we just need space”. Reading that makes my tummy ache, I like to vomit to show my unacceptance. But I would stay to the thought that I don’t like him to suffer anymore, in tolerating me and every actions of mine which he doesn’t understand. I love him. I cannot be without him. But hearing from him that he feels he is suffering, that he is giving up too much and adjusting too much for me and at the end he feels he still lost, means, I need to let him go. I never liked the idea of making others suffer. For me, I could suffer but not them, not him.

Right now, I feel like asking myself: “Did I ever ask him to change for us to have a better relationship?” I never did. And don’t need to, too me, changing someone is not a requisite of having a good relationship. For me, it’s the opposite, good relationship means accepting everything, good or bad. I get scolded a lot as a child and as I grow up I learned that acceptance is a very nice illustration of love. Because I’m not easily accepted, meaning, if someone accepts me (all I am, whatever it might be) is the best thing ever. I thought I already am accepted by him, but hearing that he feels he lost, doesn’t bring a good feeling to me. I don’t know why this tear doesn’t stop. But I have to pull myself together, same old, same old.