Yup. No other word for what I feel right now but this.
Life wouldn’t be perfect by having perfect moments. Since no one is perfect, no one could even define perfectness in life.
Today is really a freaked day. I still have problems about the accommodation. And now, I think we broke up. Or maybe I broke up with him. Either way, it’s just “tears every moment I think about it” moment for me.
I’m still confused. Plain blank moment from now on.
I don’t like pride and I’m not a big fan of the norms. Suffering and sadness won’t matter either, just the truth. Plain unspoiled truth. That’s what matters. Truth means being myself, and being accepted as is. But truth also means what he wants me to be, “for my own good”. But not being what he want me to be, does it means he don’t love me? I don’t know.. I really can’t answer a question not directed to me.
It really hurts. But what can I do? It’s still my fault, I could just change as he want me to be.. This probably is one of the reasons why I can’t let myself be me. I draw people away. But I guess they just want me to be a smiley happy person even if I don’t feel I have to be that way. In reality, I don’t need to laugh or smile to know that I’m happy. I’m happy when my heart feels happy. I do laugh and smile too much, but I wouldn’t suggest that to define me.
So, what now? He said “we just need space”. Reading that makes my tummy ache, I like to vomit to show my unacceptance. But I would stay to the thought that I don’t like him to suffer anymore, in tolerating me and every actions of mine which he doesn’t understand. I love him. I cannot be without him. But hearing from him that he feels he is suffering, that he is giving up too much and adjusting too much for me and at the end he feels he still lost, means, I need to let him go. I never liked the idea of making others suffer. For me, I could suffer but not them, not him.
Right now, I feel like asking myself: “Did I ever ask him to change for us to have a better relationship?” I never did. And don’t need to, too me, changing someone is not a requisite of having a good relationship. For me, it’s the opposite, good relationship means accepting everything, good or bad. I get scolded a lot as a child and as I grow up I learned that acceptance is a very nice illustration of love. Because I’m not easily accepted, meaning, if someone accepts me (all I am, whatever it might be) is the best thing ever. I thought I already am accepted by him, but hearing that he feels he lost, doesn’t bring a good feeling to me. I don’t know why this tear doesn’t stop. But I have to pull myself together, same old, same old.
Life wouldn’t be perfect by having perfect moments. Since no one is perfect, no one could even define perfectness in life.
Today is really a freaked day. I still have problems about the accommodation. And now, I think we broke up. Or maybe I broke up with him. Either way, it’s just “tears every moment I think about it” moment for me.
I’m still confused. Plain blank moment from now on.
I don’t like pride and I’m not a big fan of the norms. Suffering and sadness won’t matter either, just the truth. Plain unspoiled truth. That’s what matters. Truth means being myself, and being accepted as is. But truth also means what he wants me to be, “for my own good”. But not being what he want me to be, does it means he don’t love me? I don’t know.. I really can’t answer a question not directed to me.
It really hurts. But what can I do? It’s still my fault, I could just change as he want me to be.. This probably is one of the reasons why I can’t let myself be me. I draw people away. But I guess they just want me to be a smiley happy person even if I don’t feel I have to be that way. In reality, I don’t need to laugh or smile to know that I’m happy. I’m happy when my heart feels happy. I do laugh and smile too much, but I wouldn’t suggest that to define me.
So, what now? He said “we just need space”. Reading that makes my tummy ache, I like to vomit to show my unacceptance. But I would stay to the thought that I don’t like him to suffer anymore, in tolerating me and every actions of mine which he doesn’t understand. I love him. I cannot be without him. But hearing from him that he feels he is suffering, that he is giving up too much and adjusting too much for me and at the end he feels he still lost, means, I need to let him go. I never liked the idea of making others suffer. For me, I could suffer but not them, not him.
Right now, I feel like asking myself: “Did I ever ask him to change for us to have a better relationship?” I never did. And don’t need to, too me, changing someone is not a requisite of having a good relationship. For me, it’s the opposite, good relationship means accepting everything, good or bad. I get scolded a lot as a child and as I grow up I learned that acceptance is a very nice illustration of love. Because I’m not easily accepted, meaning, if someone accepts me (all I am, whatever it might be) is the best thing ever. I thought I already am accepted by him, but hearing that he feels he lost, doesn’t bring a good feeling to me. I don’t know why this tear doesn’t stop. But I have to pull myself together, same old, same old.
No comments:
Post a Comment