Saturday Work

Don’t do much during Saturdays. Usually I got Saturday work as a reflection and planning time.

Reflection of what I am now, what I’ve accomplished and what improvement do I need to grow.

Planning more on the financial aspect. I’ve got couple of reason why I went here, first is to give myself more reflection time and focus on getting close to Him, second is to explore, and third is to earn money to help my parents.

At first, I already knew that I won’t be getting much pay when I went here, so earning more isn’t really a high possibility. So, mainly I went here for the opportunity to explore the world outside the Philippines. And knowing I’ll be away, it means me more likely being all by my self, thus, focus on getting close to Him. In my first month I’ve got the chance to explore, both professionally and leisurely. It didn’t feel much that I’m far from the country (but now honestly, it really gives me the creeps of being far from the country and wanting to go home..).

He never fails to show His love, thus, when I first went to a service worship I felt His presence and love that even in this far away place He is still with me. On the second month my sister went on vacation, thus, I haven’t been able to go to Church. But God knows everything and he guided me into getting in touch again with a long friend of mine whom I haven’t talk for a while. And there is where it all begun, me being able to go to Church regularly, attend Bible Study, be a member of FCC and attend Evangelism Training Class. Here, I’ve been able to share the gospel to people I don’t really know, knowing that God has a plan for their lives. Yes, there have been challenges inside of me but God never fails to give knowledge, wisdom and comfort. Now, without a doubt I am a sinner but because of God’s love He sent His one and only begotten Son Jesus Christ to die for my sins and rose again to be my Saviour and Lord, on the right hand of God, our Supreme High Priest and King. Of no other reason am I saved, not of any good work I have done coz I also done wrong, not in the times where I helped anyone in need coz I also unable to give help and refused, not of me going to Church coz there were some Sundays I’ve not been able to come, not of any other reason but by the Blood of Jesus Christ. By God’s grace I am save. Because He loved me and saved me and called me. I am lost but He found me. I am a slave of sin but He has given me freedom. I am before in the darkness but He called me to His marvelous light. Struggles will come but only one truth remains, God will never leave me nor forsake me. He is the author and finisher of my faith. I am nothing without Him. And in His grace and mercy I can live only in Him.

Flash News

He called me just now. I mean what I said, as I did the first time I said it, again and again before.. The reason that I will give up is when he gives up. Just like he made me feel yesterday, that’s the only reason I’ll give up, when he did. So, now I’m glad to hear he loves me. Because I also told him that the only reason I will let him go is when he doesn’t love me anymore.. And he also said he could still hold on. I just hope he does. Coz I don’t want to go back to just being me. And most specially because my love is for him.

Time Goes On

The calendar just changed again. Getting complains about how our relationship doesn’t improve because of me just flashed into my head. It must have really ended, whatever we had. Ah.. I really don’t know.

I feel cold and my head hurts like it’s filled with water. This moment calls for a nice quiet time in the roof, gazing the shimmering stars. A nice afternoon sitting by the beach, looking beyond the sea and seeing the clouds move. Or maybe a slow walk through the plaza and market place seeing how people get on to their life. Life does goes on. Too bad, can’t do any of that here. Not much stars. Artificial beach and humid temperature. And walking around observing people is just weird, since most of them are guys I might be mistaken for something I’m not. So, here I am, listening to songs I don’t understand and writing paragraph who knows if someone would understand.

I always get complains. When I’m in high school one of my classmates told me I have a fake smile. That’s harsh but really funny. She just said to me that I’m a fake though I didn’t feel or intend to be that way. When I started working, my boss told me I’m not sensitive. That’s harsh but that might be the truth. Thankfully while other people gave complains about me at work I got a nice support from our group. It’s a nice feeling having their support, coz really, I just need to finish the work maybe that’s why others see me as insensitive. I think I grown a lot. Experienced a lot and still do.

Freaked

Yup. No other word for what I feel right now but this.

Life wouldn’t be perfect by having perfect moments. Since no one is perfect, no one could even define perfectness in life.

Today is really a freaked day. I still have problems about the accommodation. And now, I think we broke up. Or maybe I broke up with him. Either way, it’s just “tears every moment I think about it” moment for me.

I’m still confused. Plain blank moment from now on.

I don’t like pride and I’m not a big fan of the norms. Suffering and sadness won’t matter either, just the truth. Plain unspoiled truth. That’s what matters. Truth means being myself, and being accepted as is. But truth also means what he wants me to be, “for my own good”. But not being what he want me to be, does it means he don’t love me? I don’t know.. I really can’t answer a question not directed to me.

It really hurts. But what can I do? It’s still my fault, I could just change as he want me to be.. This probably is one of the reasons why I can’t let myself be me. I draw people away. But I guess they just want me to be a smiley happy person even if I don’t feel I have to be that way. In reality, I don’t need to laugh or smile to know that I’m happy. I’m happy when my heart feels happy. I do laugh and smile too much, but I wouldn’t suggest that to define me.

So, what now? He said “we just need space”. Reading that makes my tummy ache, I like to vomit to show my unacceptance. But I would stay to the thought that I don’t like him to suffer anymore, in tolerating me and every actions of mine which he doesn’t understand. I love him. I cannot be without him. But hearing from him that he feels he is suffering, that he is giving up too much and adjusting too much for me and at the end he feels he still lost, means, I need to let him go. I never liked the idea of making others suffer. For me, I could suffer but not them, not him.

Right now, I feel like asking myself: “Did I ever ask him to change for us to have a better relationship?” I never did. And don’t need to, too me, changing someone is not a requisite of having a good relationship. For me, it’s the opposite, good relationship means accepting everything, good or bad. I get scolded a lot as a child and as I grow up I learned that acceptance is a very nice illustration of love. Because I’m not easily accepted, meaning, if someone accepts me (all I am, whatever it might be) is the best thing ever. I thought I already am accepted by him, but hearing that he feels he lost, doesn’t bring a good feeling to me. I don’t know why this tear doesn’t stop. But I have to pull myself together, same old, same old.

Ramadan Fever

Literally I’m in the verge of a fever because of this tiring schedule. It’s 12:16am now, and my head aches. I don’t know if this is the effect of drinking a can of Mountain Dew or by not taking a cup of coffee instead.

Have inconsistent sleeping hours, 5hrs+ in the morning then 1-2hrs+ in the evening. Never had this kind of schedule before. Now I understand how it is with call center peepz, only difference is they have straight working hours. Hmm.. Hopefully when I get to move to the new place I can get much more sleep than this. If I move by September 5, I still have five days to try and regain the rest I lack. Hopefully. Though I’m still a bit pessimistic about it, since rest includes privacy, that is, a quiet environment and a nice cozy room for me.

40 Days

Forty days passed since I’ve wrote something here. Hmm.. Got so much thought for these past days but haven’t found the will to write it down.

With regards to my work, I’m quite pissed. The transportation has been cut and I need to relocate. Another problem is, they plan to get accommodation and it’s still not ready. Meaning, I’m ready to move but there is no place to move in to. I don’t feel fine with the 7 times travelling within a day. Before it was 4 times, now it increased, sad part is, travelling time increased because I need to take the bus. It’s hot and crowded, not to mention the time consumed due to the stops and I need to catch up with the bus timings because if I don’t I’ll be late. Another thing is the timings, we are still on split shift and the crazy part is I work as accounts and I get to go home by 1am. Not really the best moment for me now, but trying to get through with this as if I got enough sleep..

I got a job offer to a company in Dubai. Benefits wise it’s a good opportunity. But I got to think twice about moving especially when I felt during the conversation with the Admin Manager that they would not be giving me up that easily. Funny thing is, not because they could actually give me the same offer as the other company but because they have the ability to make it hard for me to transfer, like requiring me to exit and giving me ban or something like that. So for the moment, I’ll let this go and always hope for the best plans of Him who knows what is best. =)

Missing my family, missing my friends, missing the fellowship. Miss it too much, and all of it is stuck in my head, especially the ones where I put too much hope not only for me but for those who believed in me.. If I remember correctly, there have been two instances where I felt a sudden rush to get back home but off course I have to reproach from that feeling because I just can’t dwell on it. It will be very difficult if I got stock on that.. Not here. Not now.

With my hon. There have been challenges within our relationship but thankfully we got pass it. Speaking of relationships, I’m still trying to improve myself with the hope that I could change from my former loner me and could be entertaining and helpful to others. I got passed this for a while before I left the Philippines, but somehow it caught up with me here. I still don’t know what to do, but one thing is for sure, I’m not fond of being unliked by people around me. Problem is, the “not wanting to be too close to other people because of the thought that I might lose them” is getting close to me again. I don’t like it. It makes me irritable to others.

Increased weight. Wehh? Long issue. Is it possible to return to my former physique? Err.. Next question. Wahah ;b

What else happened within these days? Hmm.. Too much.

Plans?

Tomorrow is July 26, my 23rd Birthday. Hmm.. I don’t have plans. But being ask about it got me asking myself, what do I want to do for my birthday? Tuff thing to think about. For starters I got this idea of treating myself to T.G.I.F or Chilis.. Yum! But then, I remembered our schedule is split shift.. Grr.. Meaning I could only do this during the break time, 2-5pm, but don’t want to because I want to eat with my Hon.. Or after the 2nd shift, which is probably 10pm? Hmm.. That would be too late, and eating large meal at night means more weight for me, wahaha.. So nope, not either. Hmm.. I could go on straight shift right? Request to our management to allow me to go on straight since its my birthday, well, not too bad, but as usual very out of place in the workplace.. Or maybe I could just do half day? Not bad either, but that means deduction again from my salary and should I say, a spot on my attendance records also.. So, what now? That leaves me into, err.. Nothing. No plans as of now. =]